This definitely only happens to me.

So, I've had a sore throat almost all week. Tuesday night I was just plain miserable. Everything hurt. I was achey and my head was all stuffy and it hurt to fucking breathe. Yeah, it sucked.

Went to the doctor and found out I had strep.
Yay.

Took my antibiotics last night and all was just dandy.

Oh, but I woke up this morning with a swollen face.

I would be allergic to the antibiotics.

I hate life so much right now omg.

Can I just not be sick or

I'm really not okay with this.

I'm not okay with people just randomly deciding they want to be a part of my life again after no communication for months. I really do have feelings. I'm not going to open up to you just because it's Valentine's day. We haven't talked in MONTHS. Why should I open up to you now? You got what you wanted from me and then moved on. Get over yourself.

Oh, and since when does money make up for all the pain you put me through? You're fucking family. It's not as bad coming from friends or people not related to you. But from family? You don't even have the decency to apologize. Oh, but come every holiday, there's a card with money in it. I don't want your fucking money. "We love and miss you." Whatever. I don't want anything to do with you until you feel like I'm worthy enough to talk to. I ruined your and everyone else's lives, remember? I don't have a grandmother anymore, remember? Wait, what was that one part you said? Oh, right. That it was all my fault. Because a 14 year old girl with depression can control a 72 year old man, a 69 year old woman, a 40 year old woman, and an 18 year old boy. Right. I get it. It's all my fault. Whatever. Come next holiday, keep your money. I don't want it. I hope, when summer comes, you remember everything you put me through. How I "only made you more sick, when I was supposed to help you get better". Because, again, a 14 year old girl has total control over a 69 year old woman. What's the phrase you always use? Get a life.

Oh, for whoever cares.

The most amazing girl I've ever met?

Not the same girl who broke up with me twice. I'm done with that girl. 

Some people are fucking nuts, ya know? 

This new girl. She's the kind of girl that just makes you giggle at every word that comes out her mouth. She gives you butterflies just when she looks at you. She's the kind of girl I've been spending a long time thinking about. 

Realized something today.

I randomly got pretty down today. It might have been because the girl I have a super huge crush on was acting a little weird, but who knows. Anyway, if I had felt that feeling a month or two ago, I would have gone straight for the blade. I would have found a part of body that wasn't already cut up, and cut it until I didn't feel anything else. That was me a month ago.

What'd I do today? I talked to said girl. I just let shit out. Then what did I do? Played an episode of Skins, took a bath, and made up a story with said girl about just being together.

Finding new ways to calm down and relieve stress feels so amazingly good. True, I'll have these scars forever. But I don't really know if I'll always be ashamed of them. It's something I went through. I survived it. I'm a trooper, I guess.

So what if I'm not perfectly thin? Maybe I have a little extra fat in places where it shouldn't be. So what? Yeah, everyone is going to be a complete and utter dick at one point in time. Fuck 'em. There's always gonna be someone ten times better than them.

I've finally realized all these amazing things, and it feels so good. I'm happy, and it is truly amazing. I can't even describe how amazing it is to feel this happy. I'm not saying I'm 100% better. I'll still have those days. But I won't cut. I won't skip meals. I won't throw it up. I'm done with all of that.

I guess you could say I'm reinventing myself.

And I'm doing it with help from the most amazing girl I've ever met.

Look.

I'm done with your games. Absolutely fucking done. If you end it this time, that's it. No more second chances. You can't just keep breaking up with me every time you "get lonely". That isn't how this fucking works. Don't blame it on the distance, either. Ask anyone who has been in one. They can work if you want it to. Your breaking up with me almost every other week just proves that you must not want it as bad as you say you do. I'm not a game. Believe it or not, I have emotions and feelings too. You can't keep playing me like this and expect to stick around.

Here are some things I've recently learned:

• Saying "I love you" doesn't automatically fix things.
• Communication really is key. Those who don't communicate, in my opinion, drown in their sorrows. You can't get help if you're not trying to get it.
• Complaining gets you nowhere. Man up, and take control. 
• You can't expect anyone to fix you. You have to take the time to find yourself. Only you know what is wrong with you. You can't rely on others to bring you back up. That's completely up to you.
• No matter how much people suck, you can always find that one exception. Always.

Well, hi.

I got glasses over the weekend.

Do I look nifty or what?

Oddly, they haven't helped my vision that much. I always think those eye exams are just about how good you are at guessing letters. That's all I ever do. I guess that's how I've gotten away with having "perfect vision" for the past 15 years. Whatever. At least I can see a little better.

I have finals this week. I took my first 2 today. My Spanish 2 exam was so fucking hard. Seriously. I don't know if I passed. If I failed the exam, I should have a high enough grade to still pass the class. I hope so. Ugh. Theology was really fucking easy. It should raise my final grade, lol.

I have English and Algebra tomorrow. Algebra will be a walk in the park. Only because we have these awesome inventions called calculators. Saved. My. Life. English is gonna be kind of sucky, I think. Just the whole timed essay thing... ya know?

Anyways. I'm taken. Again.
Same girl.
3rd time's a charm, right? Guess we'll see.

How cute.


How.
Cute.

Uhm, so I go to a private Catholic school and everything. We wear the uniforms and on out of uniform days(which we call TAG days), we're not supposed to wear sweat pants. We get 3 TAG days during exam week. But, I mean, who wants to get all dressed up to take an exam? So, I decided that I am just wearing sweat pants tomorrow. Fuck the system!

I already gave them my money, so whatever.

I'm debating on coloring my hair.

Now for your daily Emma gpoy!

It is current;y 12:46 and I am already showered, dressed, and have my hair and make-up did. (Barely. My hair looks like poop. It always does.) This must be some kind of miracle.

Well, I don't have pants on. But who needs pants anyways? Useless.

I, apparently, am going to a home basketball game today. Just what I want! To spend my Saturday evening with everyone I deal with during the week. Yay!

I shouldn't complain. I'd probably be surfing the interwebs all night if I stayed home.

I've been singing all morning. All. Morning. First to my stove, then my computer screen, then my shower head, and now my computer screen.
Thank God nobody can hear me. Bleck.

Have you ever wondered why cats chase their tails? You'd think after a certain amount of years of having one, they'd figure out it wasn't going anywhere...

Is tail movement voluntary or involuntary?

I just gave myself something to research.

Just recently learned I will be spending my spring break in California. So begins my rigorous workouts and never ending clothes shopping in hopes I will look great for that amazing period of time. I am so fucking excited for this. 

And I leave you with the thought of me looking like a body builder.