This definitely only happens to me.

So, I've had a sore throat almost all week. Tuesday night I was just plain miserable. Everything hurt. I was achey and my head was all stuffy and it hurt to fucking breathe. Yeah, it sucked.

Went to the doctor and found out I had strep.
Yay.

Took my antibiotics last night and all was just dandy.

Oh, but I woke up this morning with a swollen face.

I would be allergic to the antibiotics.

I hate life so much right now omg.

Can I just not be sick or

I'm really not okay with this.

I'm not okay with people just randomly deciding they want to be a part of my life again after no communication for months. I really do have feelings. I'm not going to open up to you just because it's Valentine's day. We haven't talked in MONTHS. Why should I open up to you now? You got what you wanted from me and then moved on. Get over yourself.

Oh, and since when does money make up for all the pain you put me through? You're fucking family. It's not as bad coming from friends or people not related to you. But from family? You don't even have the decency to apologize. Oh, but come every holiday, there's a card with money in it. I don't want your fucking money. "We love and miss you." Whatever. I don't want anything to do with you until you feel like I'm worthy enough to talk to. I ruined your and everyone else's lives, remember? I don't have a grandmother anymore, remember? Wait, what was that one part you said? Oh, right. That it was all my fault. Because a 14 year old girl with depression can control a 72 year old man, a 69 year old woman, a 40 year old woman, and an 18 year old boy. Right. I get it. It's all my fault. Whatever. Come next holiday, keep your money. I don't want it. I hope, when summer comes, you remember everything you put me through. How I "only made you more sick, when I was supposed to help you get better". Because, again, a 14 year old girl has total control over a 69 year old woman. What's the phrase you always use? Get a life.

Oh, for whoever cares.

The most amazing girl I've ever met?

Not the same girl who broke up with me twice. I'm done with that girl. 

Some people are fucking nuts, ya know? 

This new girl. She's the kind of girl that just makes you giggle at every word that comes out her mouth. She gives you butterflies just when she looks at you. She's the kind of girl I've been spending a long time thinking about. 

Realized something today.

I randomly got pretty down today. It might have been because the girl I have a super huge crush on was acting a little weird, but who knows. Anyway, if I had felt that feeling a month or two ago, I would have gone straight for the blade. I would have found a part of body that wasn't already cut up, and cut it until I didn't feel anything else. That was me a month ago.

What'd I do today? I talked to said girl. I just let shit out. Then what did I do? Played an episode of Skins, took a bath, and made up a story with said girl about just being together.

Finding new ways to calm down and relieve stress feels so amazingly good. True, I'll have these scars forever. But I don't really know if I'll always be ashamed of them. It's something I went through. I survived it. I'm a trooper, I guess.

So what if I'm not perfectly thin? Maybe I have a little extra fat in places where it shouldn't be. So what? Yeah, everyone is going to be a complete and utter dick at one point in time. Fuck 'em. There's always gonna be someone ten times better than them.

I've finally realized all these amazing things, and it feels so good. I'm happy, and it is truly amazing. I can't even describe how amazing it is to feel this happy. I'm not saying I'm 100% better. I'll still have those days. But I won't cut. I won't skip meals. I won't throw it up. I'm done with all of that.

I guess you could say I'm reinventing myself.

And I'm doing it with help from the most amazing girl I've ever met.

Look.

I'm done with your games. Absolutely fucking done. If you end it this time, that's it. No more second chances. You can't just keep breaking up with me every time you "get lonely". That isn't how this fucking works. Don't blame it on the distance, either. Ask anyone who has been in one. They can work if you want it to. Your breaking up with me almost every other week just proves that you must not want it as bad as you say you do. I'm not a game. Believe it or not, I have emotions and feelings too. You can't keep playing me like this and expect to stick around.

Here are some things I've recently learned:

• Saying "I love you" doesn't automatically fix things.
• Communication really is key. Those who don't communicate, in my opinion, drown in their sorrows. You can't get help if you're not trying to get it.
• Complaining gets you nowhere. Man up, and take control. 
• You can't expect anyone to fix you. You have to take the time to find yourself. Only you know what is wrong with you. You can't rely on others to bring you back up. That's completely up to you.
• No matter how much people suck, you can always find that one exception. Always.

Well, hi.

I got glasses over the weekend.

Do I look nifty or what?

Oddly, they haven't helped my vision that much. I always think those eye exams are just about how good you are at guessing letters. That's all I ever do. I guess that's how I've gotten away with having "perfect vision" for the past 15 years. Whatever. At least I can see a little better.

I have finals this week. I took my first 2 today. My Spanish 2 exam was so fucking hard. Seriously. I don't know if I passed. If I failed the exam, I should have a high enough grade to still pass the class. I hope so. Ugh. Theology was really fucking easy. It should raise my final grade, lol.

I have English and Algebra tomorrow. Algebra will be a walk in the park. Only because we have these awesome inventions called calculators. Saved. My. Life. English is gonna be kind of sucky, I think. Just the whole timed essay thing... ya know?

Anyways. I'm taken. Again.
Same girl.
3rd time's a charm, right? Guess we'll see.

How cute.


How.
Cute.

Uhm, so I go to a private Catholic school and everything. We wear the uniforms and on out of uniform days(which we call TAG days), we're not supposed to wear sweat pants. We get 3 TAG days during exam week. But, I mean, who wants to get all dressed up to take an exam? So, I decided that I am just wearing sweat pants tomorrow. Fuck the system!

I already gave them my money, so whatever.

I'm debating on coloring my hair.

Now for your daily Emma gpoy!

It is current;y 12:46 and I am already showered, dressed, and have my hair and make-up did. (Barely. My hair looks like poop. It always does.) This must be some kind of miracle.

Well, I don't have pants on. But who needs pants anyways? Useless.

I, apparently, am going to a home basketball game today. Just what I want! To spend my Saturday evening with everyone I deal with during the week. Yay!

I shouldn't complain. I'd probably be surfing the interwebs all night if I stayed home.

I've been singing all morning. All. Morning. First to my stove, then my computer screen, then my shower head, and now my computer screen.
Thank God nobody can hear me. Bleck.

Have you ever wondered why cats chase their tails? You'd think after a certain amount of years of having one, they'd figure out it wasn't going anywhere...

Is tail movement voluntary or involuntary?

I just gave myself something to research.

Just recently learned I will be spending my spring break in California. So begins my rigorous workouts and never ending clothes shopping in hopes I will look great for that amazing period of time. I am so fucking excited for this. 

And I leave you with the thought of me looking like a body builder.

Howdy.

So begins my 3-day weekend of studying, studying, and more studying!

This past week wasn't all that bad. I made it through. Which is good.

I got broken up with. That sucked a lot. Her reason?

The distance. I could be there in an hour if I could drive. Whatever. I'll get over it. People suck.

My hands always get really sweaty. So embarrassing. Ugh.

I have a 3 day weekend this weekend because Monday is MLK day (I always read that as MILK day. Time to drink milk!). On Tuesday, we have last minute exam review and, then, exams begin! Wednesday I get to take my Theology and Spanish finals and Thursday I have English and Math. Meh. Friday we don't have school again. Yay. And then it's finally 2nd semester.

I don't really have anything exciting to say, except that I'm about to go make a really bangin' breakfast. (Yes, I did just use the adjective "bangin".)

Uhm.

I didn't meet criteria to be admitted to the hospital. I guess it's good that I'm not crazy enough to get accepted to the looney bin, ya know.

I left school early for that today. Well, first, it started with an appointment at my (ghetto, run-down) "therapist" office. I put the quotations there because I have gotten absolutely nothing out of this woman. I had to talk to some guy who was upwards of 80 first. I guess he was like the psychiatrist or whatever. He refused to give me a prescription, lulz.  Then I talked to my therapist and then I went home. About 20 minutes later we left for the hospital. We spent 2 hours there to find out I wasn't qualified. I still don't know if that's good or bad. But the guy did recommend some new therapists and stuff. Meh.

I don't really want to go to school tomorrow. I just need to kind of catch up and think about everything, you know? Plus, I'm already excused from school for this whole week, so.

Have you ever listened to a song that just really got to you? I could list at least 20 of them. I'm listening to my iPod on shuffle and Southern Skies by Holiday Parade is playing right now.

This song. I'm feelin it. I don't know why. Just am. Ya digg.

Lolwut.

I got to watch Oprah today. Only it was a repeat and I'd seen it before so I settled for one of those crime shows on Investigation Discovery.

I wish I could spell the weird sounds I make to express myself. My favorite one sounds kind of like Narggghhhhhhhnf. 

.....

When people ask why we don't talk anymore.

It's hard to explain why I just stop talking to people. I don't want our friendship to be over.

I guess, sometimes, the friendship gets too much. Kind of like it's getting too far. Like I've let them in too far. So I just stop. I dunno.



I can't wait for Warped 2011.

Polar bears.

It kind of sucks how they're dying out, you know? It kind of seems like everything is starting to go bad. I mean, look around. All of these natural disasters. The world is falling apart. Who wants to be here anymore? It's a pretty shit place, if you ask me.

I don't know.

The only reason I even turned my computer on was to get on Skype so I could see my girlfriend. I've been in bed/on the couch all day. I haven't even touched my homework. I don't really care anymore. I think I'll go to the hospital. This really needs to stop. Everything is getting really, really hard to handle.

Do we do gpoy here?

If not, we do now.

I look like this tonight. I'm going to that hockey game aforementioned. Sometimes I enjoy looking like a complete lesbian. But I kind of wonder if anyone else besides lesbians know this is the lesbian dress code? Oh well.

I think I may or may not be getting addicted to blogging.

Hmpf.

I kind of feel like I'm falling off the face of the earth or something.

Like...nobody ever really talks to me anymore.
I don't really have anything to say, though.

It's kind of sad. Sometimes I wonder if anyone is even thinking about me.

You know those hit counters that some people have on their websites? Like it tells how many people are looking at your page at the time? I wish I had one of those that told me how many people were thinking about me. Just so I could know if I was ever really thought of. Maybe even like, indirect thoughts. You know how they always say someone is thinking about you and you might not even know them? Like one of those kinds of thoughts.

It might kind of suck to not be able to tell who it is, though. But, hey, it'd be nice to know if someone was even thinking about you.


I have a new found crush on Ellie Goulding. Omnomnonmonmomnomnom.

Dream for me, but dream it in color.

Goodnight Moon by Go Radio is such a gr8 song. Nom.



So my mom doesn't dig the fact that I'm dating a 19 year old girl. Whatever. Pretty sure age knows no gender nor age so she can hop off my dick.

I'm going to a hockey game tonight. It's the uh, special Olympics night or something. I think special needs people are pretty neat. All seriousness and no ignorance there.

The thing with suicide (again, this is from my point of view. I'm sure it differs from person to person) is that it's not just one event. Everyone thinks that, just because I'm just now admitting to it, that one thing has triggered this. No. False. Wrong. Wrong-o. Falso. No cierto. This is something I have been feeling for a long time. Not just a week or a few days. Nor does it ever really go away. Sure, there are days where I don't necessarily think about it. But, at the end of every day, it's still there. It's yet to go away. I'm not saying I'm going to go ahead and kill myself. But it's something I always think about it.

Maybe I cleared that up a little bit for whoever is(n't) reading this.

This sucks.

My school thing yesterday was all fine and dandy. I admit, I had a good time.

I was supposed to go out with my girlfriend last night. Why didn't I?

My mom started bitching like crazy.(Now, she doesn't know I'm gay nor that I have a girlfriend. Just that I hang out with this girl.) And I ended up not being able to see her.

She goes back to school tomorrow. I don't know when I'll get to see her again and I'm so pissed off about it. I guess the worst part is that my mom doesn't trust me enough to be able to judge people correctly. I wouldn't go hanging out with some convict or some druggie. I thought my mom trusted me a little more than that. Oh well.

Today will be kind of shit.


I have a guitar lesson today. And therapy. Then I'm going to come home and eat frozen burritos( we don't even have any. I think I'll ask to stop at Harris Teeter cause now I really want frozen burritos.) and watch those lame paranormal shows on Investigation Discovery all day.

Woe is me.

It's Friday.

Finally.

Last night I got to spend 3 hours wandering around Barnes and Noble with my favorite girl on the planet finding secret corners to kiss and just, you know, be together. It was fun.

I just got home from school. It's 5:26. Okay, maybe I've been home for about 15 minutes. But still. Why didn't I get home at a normal time? Well...

• My friend told me I needed to find a ride home yesterday. At about 11 at night.
• I asked my friend who can drive if she could take me home when I saw her before lunch today.
• She had to work. Just my luck.
• My friend's mom had to drive from a city about 20-30 minutes away from my school to pick me up.
• She got stuck in traffic.
• Yeah.

So now I'm sitting here in my uniform eating Simply Asia noodles and drinking sparkling Loganberry juice. (It's really good, you should try it.)


I missed Oprah. Pretty tore up about that.

I got to see my girl again today. And I get to see her again tomorrow.

Well, she isn't aware of that yet. But whatever.

Today I learned that everyone has their own story. Seriously. If you just take the time to get to know someone, you'll be so amazed. I learned so much about this one girl in just 20 minutes today. I feel so close to her. It's funny, because I've known her for almost 4 years now and never really took the time to get to know her because of what I thought of her, based off of what I had been told.

This just goes to show that whole "don't judge a book by it's cover" thing is totally fucking true. Don't listen to what anyone tells you. Form your own opinions cause, chances are, whoever you're listening to is full of shit.

Preaching is over.

I really love Katy Perry. She's great.

I think I'm getting ready to learn a bunch of new things. It's something I'm definitely looking forward to. I'm ready for whatever gets thrown at me. I feel like I need to put COME AT ME, BRO on my forehead.

Come at me, bro.

In other news, I actually have a life tonight!
If anyone really cares what kind of shenanigans I'm getting into tonight...
My school is putting on this pageant thing for the junior and senior guys. I got a free ticket(I stole it. No, I'm kidding I definitely don't have the balls to steal anything. My friend had an extra. Whatever.) so I decided I should go. I guess I'll see how this turns out.


There's free cookies so I mean... it's gotta be good, right?

Yeah, okay. I've got more.

I'm so excited for next semester. I get all new classes. Kind of a new start. My demerit count gets reset which is really fucking good, cause if I get 3 more I have a detention. I wont really be meeting any new people in my class because my school only has a little upwards of 300 students.

But, you know.

I was talking to my guy frans today and some guy comes up and was like:
"Hey. Aren't you Emma?"
I could have replied with some really witty comeback, seeing as my name was on my class hoodie sleeve, but I didn't. I was very polite and told him yes, I am Emma.
Next thing he said?
"Oh. Mitch told me you're a lesbian."
I mean I guess having "the lesbian" as my indicator is a lot better than having "the fat bitch" or something. But, I mean, really? It's like nobody has ever seen a lesbian before.

I think my favorite part of being gay has definitely got to be the fact that I have a boner for every single girl I encounter. That's my favorite.

In case you couldn't detect it, that was extremely sarcastic. No, I don't have a (metaphorical) boner for every girl I see.

Shut up.

People suck.

I'm gonna go eat.

I hope you thought that was funny.

Welp. Here I am.

Tomorrow is the last day of the first week of the new year.
Good thing I didn't have any great expectations for it.

Today I learned a few things.

1. If you want to know something about someone, ask their sister. Apparently, sisters tell everything. I wouldn't know, I've never really had one.
2. There are people who don't know what a morgue is.
3. Zeffirelli's version of Romeo and Juliet is extremely corny. Seriously. We watched the scene where Tybalt killed Mercutio today. You could see the sword bend when he got stabbed. Then he rolled over and his stab was somehow on the other side of his chest and up a little bit. Weird. Luhrmann's version isn't much better.
4. The best way to retaliate from a being purposely t-bagged is to punch them in the nuts.

I also learned how to conjugate Spanish verbs in the future tense, found more meaning in Romeo and Juliet than Shakespeare probably intended, realized that 1 over n to the negative eleventh is n to the eleventh, and something about how we should be good stewards.

But how boring is that?

So now, here I am, writing to no one and watching Oprah. I was eating Pizzeria Combos and drinking a Dr. Pepper, but those are gone now.

Yes, I watch Oprah. Highlight of my day.

Today, I decided that it's always more enjoyable to eat lunch when your friend's mom packs you lunch. Well, not directly. Trading food is more an elementary thing but you'd be surprised at how much fun it is in high school. My friend's mom makes the best sandwiches. So good.


My nose itches.



By some miracle, I had a lot of time left over in 2 of my classes today (I only have 4 classes per semester) and I managed to get all of my homework done. So I really have nothing to do but type tonight..


Yay.


I can't stand when people don't follow through with their promises.
My friend promised to draw me a picture today and did I get a picture?

No. I did not.
I mean, there are definitely more serious matters, but my locker(that I still can't open) needs more decorations. Currently I have a picture of a monkey on a unicycle and a picture of a unicorn and a penguin. And some other nice little pictures that people have drawn me. The normal.


The news just said we are getting more snow. Oh my god. Can we just not.

Well, that was my exciting day.

I guess I'll be in the looney bin next week. I dunno.

I'm not done.

I really hate locker locks.

I can never get mine open. For the past 3 weeks, I've had to get someone to open it for me. It sucks. A lot.

While we're listing things I hate...

• Deja vu. Seriously. Had it today. Wanted to punch myself in the dick.
• Homophobes. Hop off my dick and let me love who I love. 
• Those really aggravating girls with the really aggravating laughs. Oh my god. Shut up before I chop your tits off and feed them to starving children in Africa.
• Oranges. Seriously. So gross. Their smell makes me feel violent.
• When people underestimate me. Seriously. I'm capable of a lot more than you think.
• People who dress their animals and put their children on leashes. There is just so much wrong with those two scenarios.
• When people bitch about the language in books like To Kill A Mockingbird and Huckleberry Finn. Seriously. Stfu. Travel back to the time setting of this place and tell me that isn't how everyone talked. You're erasing history. Go be dicks somewhere else.

I'm sure there are plenty of other things I can't stand. I'll list things I love while I'm at it.

• Hugs. Not those awkward hugs where people just pat your back or those really annoying hugs where people squeeze the shit out of you(literally). Those really good hugs. They're great.
• Anything that sparkles, really. 
• Easy A. Best. Fucking. Movie. Ever.
• Girls. Whatcanisay.
• Nutella. Seriously, that stuff is good on anything. Nutella could make dog shit taste like heaven. I haven't tried, but I don't doubt it.
• Mexican Food. I fucking love it.

Alright, I don't really know what else. But still. Okay. Well.
Hi, I'm Emma.

My head hurts.

Today was a fairly average day.

Well, no. Not really.
You see, yesterday, I let slip that I was suicidal. I wasn't making something up. I really do think about it. True, I'd even had it planned. Thing is, I wasn't planning on doing it anytime soon. I just always have had it there, as an escape plan, I guess.

Everyone freaked out. I mean, I'm sure they had good cause. I shouldn't say everyone. That makes it seem like I painted "I want to kill myself" on my forehead. No, I just told my school guidance counsellor. I've been visiting her office for quite a while now (that's another really long story). She immediately jumped to me staying in an in-patient facility for a few days. She called my mom, too. Maybe the hospital wouldn't be too bad. I guess that one movie is kind of my deciding factor. You know, It's Kind of a Funny Story. I never saw the movie, but I am reading the book. I figure most people have seen the movie rather than read the book. Whatever.

Anyways. That book doesn't make me want to stay in a looney bin. Sorry.

Random thought. Have you ever seen a fat English person?
I currently can't think of anyone...

Moving on.
I came home from school yesterday and the first thing my mom asked me was who pissed me off.
That's the thing about suicide. (At least for me, anyways). It's not just one specific person or event that happened. It's all of these events that just keep building up. Everyone knows I hate them. I don't hide that fact. They all piss me off to no end. I wouldn't kill myself over them. They're not really worth my time. (I don't really mean everyone. If you're in the class of 2014, chances are I hate you. I actually get along quite well with everyone else). It's been all of these (shit) events that keep building up. Looking back, they all kind of seem pretty petty. But, at the time, it sucked. No, actually, they still do suck. Not worth killing myself over, no. They just suck. I'll say it point blank though. I don't want to be here. I guess I mean here as in where I live and who I am surrounded by.

I think I say that a lot. I want to get out of here.
It's true.
Instead of the "WELCOME TO VIRGINA" sign it should say "WELCOME TO HELL!" with a warning sign under it. Like CAUTION: TURN BACK NOW.
I don't know.
I guess I've got all this stuff jumbled up in my head and I'm not really sure how to get it all out.



I made these really good noodles today. Like ramen, only loads healthier. Seriously. Simply Asia noodles. They are so good. You won't regret it.


(I don't know who "you" is. I have 0 followers.)

Lulz.

What do I want?

I don't fucking know.


I do know that I want to stop feeling like this. If anyone is wondering how a 15 year old girl feels nowadays, here ya go.

It's shit. I feel like I have nobody to go to. It sucks. I don't even know how to get all this down. I've told my story over and over and over and over. It gets old after a while. Actually, it got old the second time I had to tell it. I'm just tired of it all and I want to move on. It sounds pretty damn cliché, but I can't wait to get away from here. I go through all the same things that every other teenage girl goes through. I'm positive there are plenty of girls going through way worse shit than I am. I realize that. I wish I could change it. I can't. That's what I want to do with my life. Actually, I just realized that. I want to help teenage girls. Any kind of girl. I want to stop this feeling. Once I get through this shit, I'll start a campaign. I want to have an impact on the world. This is one thing I am absolutely sure of.

Now to figure out the rest of the puzzle.